Jokes Free for all Hijack at will

[R_W_B]

Here is a story that was quite funny at the time.

The blood work Lab at the Vets Hospital is a very busy place. A whole room full of people waiting, and about 16 people at a time having their blood samples taken. The nurses there are very good, very friendly and work very hard.

Everyone's name is listed last name first on their paper work and most times only the last name is called. The nurse comes out periodically and calls her next patient. Well she was just a bit overworked this one afternoon and walked out to the room and called for ... Donor. (Donor is listed by before each patient name)

Well quite a few people picked up on it and they all raised their hand. The nurse was somewhat embarrassed and said well it's been a long day. We all got a good laugh out of that one.

 

[Mad Dog Jim]

Cool stuff Dave - The Nam story reminds me of my USCM party days. Nothing like a thousand guys with no hair, no women, and an unlimited supply of alcohol! I've had my fill of testosterone induced party brawls over the years. Its the biggest reason why I don't enjoy rallys anymore...

 

[BOBFLHTC]

Another joke.

A old guy finds a genie lamp on the beach. He rubs it and a Genie comes out and says you have one wish. The old guys says, I thought I supposed to get 3 wishes. Genie says nope things are down sizing.

So the old guy says I've always wanted to see Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Could you construct a bridge to Hawaii? The Genie says, man you've got to be realistic, do you have any idea how much rebar and concrete we are talking here? You've got to come up with something else.

So the old guy thinks for a bit, and says well I've always wanted to see peace between the Arabs and Israel. Can you do that ?

The Genie just kinda stares at the sand and says, did you want that bridge in 2 lanes or 4 ?

Thats one of my favorite jokes but instead of world peace the old guy wants to understand women. I guess if you are in mixed company its better to stay with world peace - Bob

 

[BOBFLHTC]

Since we are into military stories here is a true one.

Just after High school, bored and impatiently awaiting the draft my buddy and I decide to force the issue by signing up. We go to the induction center for our physical but inspite of my best efforts I couldn't provide the required urine sample so I ask my friend to fill it up for me. Later my friend flunks the hearing test and the sargent in charge is more than happy to take it for him. I think his hearing was fine. He was just too dumb to take the test - Bob

 

[mat 60]

You want to here a joke...SNOW IN MAINE TOMMROW..:.For me thats a joke:small3d031:

 

[Mad Dog Jim]

Dave - The hearing test in those days should have been mission specific! Line up the recruits and start firing AK round at them. The ones that duck are infantry the ones that don't are OCS

 

[R_W_B]

Cool stuff Dave - The Nam story reminds me of my USCM party days. Nothing like a thousand guys with no hair, no women, and an unlimited supply of alcohol! I've had my fill of testosterone induced party brawls over the years. Its the biggest reason why I don't enjoy rallys anymore...

Ha, Jim your replies always bring a warm chuckle from me. Actually I had hair then, but admittedly there were a few NCO's with no hair there. I am (as those who have met me can verify) a very peaceful guy. You have to back me in a corner to get me to fight. But sometimes trouble comes a huntun for you if you aren't careful. I remember I barely spilled much whiskey at all on the guy, hardly enough to dampen a small section of his shirt. The place was full of people and getting thru the crowd to the door was quite a chore. My only regret is that I didn't just drink all the whiskey before I left. I did attempt to tell the guy that I did not mean to spill it on him, but they were the non negotiable type if you know what I mean.

Long Binh was such a large secure base that the soldiers there tend to get restless and into fights more than out where my unit was. It was so bad a problem there that they made us turn over our weapons when we entered rear detachment. They would give us our weapons back upon leaving. Obviously the 45 the guy pulled out of his pants was stolen. But even so I have fond memories of going to that service club on the 5 times I was lucky enough to ride on convoy there. It was a fun time from being out in the boonies.

.... .... .... .... .. Just after High school, bored and impatiently awaiting the draft my buddy and I decide to force the issue by signing up. We go to the induction center for our physical but inspite of my best efforts I couldn't provide the required urine sample so I ask my friend to fill it up for me. Later my friend flunks the hearing test and the sargent in charge is more than happy to take it for him. I think his hearing was fine. He was just too dumb to take the test - Bob

That is funny since I remember all those tests. When I got my brother out of prison for a day to attend my mother's funeral, he drank a whole thermos of coffee on the way back to the prison. When I asked why he was drinking so much coffee he said it was real hard for him to urinate in front of the guard and IF he could not produce a sample they would charge him with substance abuse and add time to his sentence. But after a quart of coffee he was a water fall. :bigsmiley12:

You want to here a joke...SNOW IN MAINE TOMMROW..:.For me thats a joke:small3d031:

Hang in there Mat, (or fly to Florida and rent one) it's gonna thaw soon.

Dave - The hearing test in those days should have been mission specific! Line up the recruits and start firing AK round at them. The ones that duck are infantry the ones that don't are OCS

You know that reminds me of another story if I can find the admissible words to tell it. During the Viet Nam war there was a shortage of Officers. So the Army started this 2nd lieutenant program that rushed them thru. It was jokingly called the Shake and Bake program. Word was that many of the NCO's joked about this new toy by the Army called the 2nd Lieuy toy.

You wind it up, set it down, and it takes 2 steps backward and screws up :lolrolling

And please all you 2nd Lieuy's no offense, it was just a joke for the Shake and Bakes. ALL the officiers that I served with where excellent soldiers.

 

[R_W_B]

Another True funny story,
Many (many, many) years ago when I was a teenager. I was at a sportstadium rodeo. It had the old bleacher type seats that were open underneath. Well the snack bar was located at the far end under the bleachers. There was this bald guy at the order counter and he had just ordered a large coke. Before he could order anything else a kid in the bleachers above sloppily knocked his coke off the foot board and it sailed down and mushroomed onto the Bald guys head. Back then all the cups where from wax paper material and the impact just obliterated the cup. The lady just behind the guy got kinda wet also, but everyone else was just standing there trying their best not to laugh. If the girl at the counter would have said, would you like some fries to go with that, I'm sure we would have lost it.

 

[R_W_B]

A blonde applied to a paper add looking for a painter. Upon arrival she says,

"I'm here for the painter job".

"Alright," said the man. Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW."

 

[lorne]

two guys finished working the winter in the oil fields of Alberta and headed home for the summer. one of them decided it was time to buy a new pair of shoes, so off they went to the best shoe store in town. after trying on many pairs of different shoes he finds a pair that he really likes. the salesman says i will ring them up for you they are proper alligator shoes and cost 500$. hearing this his buddy runs over and stops the sale, telling his buddy "i got a plan bud, there is lots of them there alligators in Florida so lets go get some and make some money"
That night they sit with there neighbor drinking moonshine, and tell the neighbor their plan. they ask him that if they are not back in 3 months to please come looking for them. all is agreed and off they go to get their alligators.

well as neighbors can be this one liked his moonshine, so after 5 months he finally realized that they weren't back yet. so the next day off he goes to Florida to help find the two. well after he has searched for a few weeks he realizes that he hasn't check the glades. so he rents and air boat and starts looking in the Glades. well there he sits one day, only a couple mouth fulls left in his last bottle of moonshine, well he says to him self " i guess the boys are gone"

when all of a sudden he hears loud determined voices of his two friends. he fires up the air boat and goes around a corner and sure enough they are wrestling a 20ft alligator. they are all dehydrated, cut up, bruised doesn't look like they haven't eaten in a while.

when the one of the two looks at the other and says...













"that's it if this one doesn't have any shoes I'm going home":bigsmiley23: